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Perhaps your relationship is going very well and you would like to make
it better, or maybe you have been going through a rough period and want to recapture the
positive feelings you used to have. All couples go through difficult periods and
have at least some trouble communicating about certain issues. Here are some general
ideas that I have found helpful in my work with couples. The problem with general
ideas, however, is that "one size does not fit all." Most couples find
it helpful to talk to a professional at one time or another, someone who can tailor the
approach to your specific needs.
Give the ideas that make sense to you a try, and set aside time to talk
on a regular basis. I like the idea of regular walks together to do this. If
you are still having trouble communicating, or it seems hard to let go of past
resentments, ask for help.
Commitment
The single best predictor of success in couples therapy is commitment
to the relationship. Of course, a couple that is committed will fight to save
their relationship. The commitment you make to each other is the foundation of the
partnership that allows you to trust enough to take the risks that promote growth.
Remind each other that you are on the same team, remembering that commitment and love
are choices that need to be made each day.
Cooperation
I often joke with the couples I see that we would never treat friends
like we treat each other, for fear of losing them. When resentment builds we
sometimes forget which team we are on. One way to express anger (and not
acknowledge what we are up to) is to cooperate less. If you are choosing to
commit to and to love your partner, it suggests you would like them to be around for
awhile. Cooperation makes sense.
Join with your partner, form an alliance to work together, and treat
each other like a friend you want to keep. Give each other the benefit of the doubt
and assume that (despite appearances) your spouse harbors only good intentions toward
you. Live up to that trust by being more sensitive to each others feelings.
Appreciate each other as you are, and express that appreciation more.
Communication
Communication is much more complicated and difficult
than it appears; remember this and you will communicate better. Basic concepts to
keep in mind include:
-
Most communication is nonverbal; pay attention to how
you talk.
- Focus on understanding, rather than
trying to make a point.
- Summarize what the other person said before you
respond.
- Use "I" language and avoid accusations
through overuse of "you".
- Be patient: defined as relaxed, not
in a hurry to get anywhere else, and trusting that things will work out
OK.
- Set a higher standard; do not even speak to each other unless you can be patient and respectful
- When making a decision together... remember that how
you treat each other as you make the decision, and that you are both OK
with the decision, is more important than the decision you make...
Improving your relationship is a gradual, ongoing process that requires
tremendous patience. When you look at the divorce rate it becomes clear that only by
forming an alliance and helping each other do you stand a chance. The tools for a successful alliance are found in your
commitment, cooperation and communication.
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