Couples Therapy

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Perhaps your relationship is going very well and you would like to make it better, or maybe you have been going through a rough period and want to recapture the positive feelings you used to have. All couples go through difficult periods and have at least some trouble communicating about certain issues. Here are some general ideas that I have found helpful in my work with couples. The problem with general ideas, however, is that "one size doesn’t fit all." Most couples find it helpful to talk to a professional at one time or another, someone who can tailor the approach to your specific needs.

Give the ideas that make sense to you a try, and set aside time to talk on a regular basis. I like the idea of regular walks together to do this. If you’re still having trouble communicating, or it’s hard to let go of past resentments, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Commitment

The single best predictor of success in couples therapy is commitment to the relationship. Of course… a couple that is committed will fight to save their relationship. The commitment you make to each other is the foundation of the partnership that allows you to trust enough to take the risks that promote growth. Remind each other that you’re on the same team, remembering that commitment and love are choices that need to be made each day.

Cooperation

I often joke with the couples I see that we would never treat friends like we treat each other, for fear of losing them. When resentment builds we sometimes forget which team we’re on. One way to express anger (and not acknowledge what we’re up to) is to cooperate less. If you’re choosing to commit to and to love your partner, it suggests you would like them to be around for awhile. Doesn’t it make sense to cooperate?

Join with your partner, form an alliance to work together, and treat each other like a friend you want to keep. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume that (despite appearances) your spouse harbors only good intentions toward you. Live up to that trust by being more sensitive to each others feelings. Appreciate each other as you are, and express that appreciation more.

Communication

Communication is much more complicated and difficult than it appears; remember this and you will communicate better. Basic concepts to keep in mind include:

Most communication is nonverbal; pay attention to how you talk.

Focus on understanding, rather than trying to make a point.

Summarize what the other person said before you respond.

Respond, don’t react.

Use "I" language and avoid accusations through overuse of "you".

Be patient: defined as relaxed, not in a hurry to get anywhere else, and trusting that things will work out OK.

When making a decision together... remember that how you treat each other as you make the decision, and that you are both OK with the decision, is more important than the decision you make...

Improving your relationship is a gradual, ongoing process that requires tremendous patience. When you look at the divorce rate it becomes clear that only by forming an alliance and helping each other do you stand a chance. The tools for a successful alliance are found in your commitment, cooperation and communication.

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